I shared a room with another teacher, and as my class was ending, hers would soon be beginnning so she walked in as I was finishing my phone conversation. The team of teachers I worked with all knew Ashley had gone to the endocrinologist. I looked at her, numb, and said, "They know what's going on with Ashley." When I told her she had Mosaic Turner's, her eyes welled up. She said, "That's what I have." You have to know, Sharon is this petite ball of fire. Tiny and not a force you want to mess with. And when she came to the school, we just took her as such. She never said anything, we just loved and knew her as Sharon.
God knew. God worked out circumstances to bring her to that school (she was a new teacher that year), to have me share a room with her, to have our desks in our office face each other daily, to have her be the first person I shared that news with, to let me see His provision of letting me know, "I have this. Ashley is going to be okay. Look at this wonderful child, Sharon, of mine. See her full life." I was blown away. He is each of our personal saviors. He loves each of us THAT much. Matthew 10:29 says, "Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care."
I was still stunned. I walked out of the room and called John. There were many tears. Ashley was going to be okay. But no mother wants her child to endure anything...if only we could cocoon them. It sounds silly, I know. But it's the heart of every mother. There was more for me to learn here.
I shared the news with my community group at church and again was blessed to have people in my life to help me process life. When I told them Ashley may not be able to have children, Holly said, "we are not going to claim that. God is in charge. I know science/medicine tells us what they may or may not know, but ultimately God is in charge." From that moment on, I not only prayed healing for her womb, but have already claimed healing and victory there and thanked God for her healing.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
slam
Have you ever gotten that bad news call from anyone...that surreal moment where your body works, your mind takes over but you don't know what in the hell you're doing and/or saying? I had two questions after the information overload describing what it is and how she got it...will it effect her life span, will she be able to have kids? The answer to the first is that they don't really know, so no, probably not. The second, most kids with Turner's are unable to have kids. My baby would not be able to know the joy of knowing what it feels like to have life grow inside of you, give life from her own body. I know I wrote stuff down.
Here is the God moment that perhaps forever changed me because I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that my God is with me through EVERY valley, EVERY high, EVERY low in such an intimate that NO ONE could ever deny His existence in this moment or pass it off as coincidence.
Here is the God moment that perhaps forever changed me because I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that my God is with me through EVERY valley, EVERY high, EVERY low in such an intimate that NO ONE could ever deny His existence in this moment or pass it off as coincidence.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
this mosaic aint no art piece
Life settled down into routine. And we coasted along. A while back, I had taken Ashley for her well check at the pediatrician. She has always been a tiny thing...one of her nick names is "Tee Tiny". He wasn't really worried, but suggested that I go get her looked at by an endocrinologist at Children's. That way, if there was something we could give her to help her grow, we could get a head start on it before she went into puberty when most girls quit growing. It was just a litttle blood test. He was not worried and I was not worried. She was healthy and being small was just who she was and how she was made. And I expected that would be the conversation I would be having with this doctor. It takes a while to get an appointment at Children's. They wanted to see her records to see if an appointment was even merited. We finally got in, did the silly little blood test and a hand scan to test her "bone age".
I remember where I was when I got the call. Fourth period. I was teaching a reading class to really low level readers. The class was almost over and the kids were putting up their materials. My phone rang and I knew it was their number. This should be a quick and easy phone call, so I answered it. Ya know it's never really good news if it's the doctor on the other end, not some nurse in their office. Ashley has something called Mosaic Turner's Syndrome.
I remember where I was when I got the call. Fourth period. I was teaching a reading class to really low level readers. The class was almost over and the kids were putting up their materials. My phone rang and I knew it was their number. This should be a quick and easy phone call, so I answered it. Ya know it's never really good news if it's the doctor on the other end, not some nurse in their office. Ashley has something called Mosaic Turner's Syndrome.
if you're doing the math
Life was run by google calendar telling my husband where I would be, what he needed to do and what each child's schedule was for that day, week and month. Sydney had been peeing clean for a while and we had been at the Seay Center for a while. We settled into our new normal. And for a while we rode the wave of status quo. I wouldn't say life was great, but my daughter seemed to be on the road to trying to get healthy. The marriage was hanging in and Edward and Ashley seemed to not be busting at the seams. I was exhausted, though. Physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.
Back in junior high, Sydney went through a tough period with girls (girls in junior high suck....never has there been a more vicious animal than a highland park middle school girl who has been raised by her highland park mom to assume the world centers around her and anyone not ok by her standards deserves to be victimized). I wrote a verse on a notecard for her. I love, love this story because this notecard has been around for 4 years now. It gets misplaced, put up and disappears. This is how cool God is...whenever I need that verse, the card shows up when I'm not even looking for it. Romans 5: 3-5, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment..." I loved that God showed me this verse again. I am in awe of the details He pays attention to our lives. My character was being developed. And God is judicious, He was not just working on me...He was working on everyone. He had more work to do on my pride.
So, if you're counting, two kids have already endured trials. That leaves one child and a husband.
Back in junior high, Sydney went through a tough period with girls (girls in junior high suck....never has there been a more vicious animal than a highland park middle school girl who has been raised by her highland park mom to assume the world centers around her and anyone not ok by her standards deserves to be victimized). I wrote a verse on a notecard for her. I love, love this story because this notecard has been around for 4 years now. It gets misplaced, put up and disappears. This is how cool God is...whenever I need that verse, the card shows up when I'm not even looking for it. Romans 5: 3-5, "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment..." I loved that God showed me this verse again. I am in awe of the details He pays attention to our lives. My character was being developed. And God is judicious, He was not just working on me...He was working on everyone. He had more work to do on my pride.
So, if you're counting, two kids have already endured trials. That leaves one child and a husband.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
damned pride
When I joined my church, early on I went through a program called Celebrate Recovery. It's for "hurts, issues and hangups". Truly, it is for ANYTHING that is blocking your relationship from God. I went through at the time for anger and unforgiveness (at my ex). Through the program, I realize that my TRUE ISSUE is my lack of trust in God (still a struggle to this day, although I struggle better most days because I am aware of this). Some time after I was talking with a friend that I felt like I needed to go through it again because God was telling me that I needed to deal with the pride in my life. HUH?! You sure You're talking to me, God? Compared to most people in my 'hood, I am po white trash. I am the mom who works and lives paycheck to paycheck without maids, nannies, the club membership and all that is considered desired in this area. I have worked since I was 14 and keeping up with the Joneses was a joke and something I had LONG since quit doing in college. So, I did what most people do when you hear something from God you don't want to deal with, I ignored it.
And my sweet, gracious God brought me to where I wouldn't take myself. One piece at a time, HE was dealing with my pride. I later discovered that I took pride in my children and in my new marriage. Prior to September 2010, I thought my life was pretty darn charming. I knew love (from Bill and John). What a blessing. I loved my children. I put my identity in them. I was their mom, not really Kathy. Not the child of God that I should have been first. So, He knocked my knees out showing me my blind spot with my son. He sucker punched me with Sydney. Hard to be prideful about your son smoking pot and your daughter in rehab. Philippians 1:6 says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Yep, I am a work in progress and there was more work to be done.
And my sweet, gracious God brought me to where I wouldn't take myself. One piece at a time, HE was dealing with my pride. I later discovered that I took pride in my children and in my new marriage. Prior to September 2010, I thought my life was pretty darn charming. I knew love (from Bill and John). What a blessing. I loved my children. I put my identity in them. I was their mom, not really Kathy. Not the child of God that I should have been first. So, He knocked my knees out showing me my blind spot with my son. He sucker punched me with Sydney. Hard to be prideful about your son smoking pot and your daughter in rehab. Philippians 1:6 says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Yep, I am a work in progress and there was more work to be done.
And it looked like this
So everyday I would leave school (my job) at 2:30 to run home, take a healthy snack with me. As I learned one of the triggers for addicts was when they were hungry (HALT...Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired), pick her up from school to sit at the Seay Center some 10+ miles away for 3 hours. It was such an odd time. There was a small garden there and on pretty days I would take my MP3 full of praise songs and spend time with God, in His Word, reading devotionals, reading. She had a connection there with the other kids and when they were on breaks they would talk and laugh and tease each other. They understood each other in ways no one else really could. The looks on the parents faces was different...hurt, scared, sad...there wasn't that much laughter. On the surface there might be the occasional laugh at a comment; but we were there on a different journey. One that a child will NEVER understand until they are parents. I wanted to fix my child, whatever was broken that made her life so miserable. Some days I got a lot done there. Some days there was just sweet time with God and I even had peace. Some days, I was just sad.
We were there Monday through Thursdays until 7:30. After this she was also responsible for going to so many AA meetings, me to alanon meetings. She had to keep up with her school work. I had two other children and a new husband at home that were put on hold. Fridays we got out early then went to church. It was surreal. They drug tested her at the center and she was getting clean. She had to stay clean or she would get kicked out.
So surreal. I cannot believe this is my life. I have failed in so many ways. I called my doctor at one point wanting to get on anti depressants because I didn't know how I was going to climb this mountain. God intervened again. Because I had to take short term leave for her, I couldn't really "afford" (or afford) to take any more days off so I made an appointment for December during my Christmas break. He did heal my heart with time. He helped me see that part of my job as parent is unconditional love, putting that to the test. He loves me unconditionally and I have disappointed Him many more times than I could count.
One of my friends pointed out that I was lucky that this happened now, while she was home with me, while I could build into her and have the time with her to get through this together. That God allowed this to come to light. He brought her through this saving her life and yes, my own.
We were there Monday through Thursdays until 7:30. After this she was also responsible for going to so many AA meetings, me to alanon meetings. She had to keep up with her school work. I had two other children and a new husband at home that were put on hold. Fridays we got out early then went to church. It was surreal. They drug tested her at the center and she was getting clean. She had to stay clean or she would get kicked out.
So surreal. I cannot believe this is my life. I have failed in so many ways. I called my doctor at one point wanting to get on anti depressants because I didn't know how I was going to climb this mountain. God intervened again. Because I had to take short term leave for her, I couldn't really "afford" (or afford) to take any more days off so I made an appointment for December during my Christmas break. He did heal my heart with time. He helped me see that part of my job as parent is unconditional love, putting that to the test. He loves me unconditionally and I have disappointed Him many more times than I could count.
One of my friends pointed out that I was lucky that this happened now, while she was home with me, while I could build into her and have the time with her to get through this together. That God allowed this to come to light. He brought her through this saving her life and yes, my own.
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