God again was gracious. For a large chunk of time, Edward was with a parent who was not only a member of Watermark, but had a prodigal child themselves...their daughter whom they had themselves kicked out of their home.
One thing was certain, it could not go back to the way it was which meant John and I had to do something differently. We met with people from our community group to seek wisdom. We secured the conference room at the YMCA, neutral territory.
We went to people that we trusted in our community group to seek their wise counsel...for me, my spiritual mentor for a time; and for John one of the men in our community group. They told us we needed to set forth ground rules in writing with specific consequences that he could sign and sit down with him in the presence of others to be witnesses. We decided to set it in a neutral place...the conference room at the Y. John and I drew up a contract and an agenda with much thought and scripture and prayer. Edward could bring some of his friends and Holly and Paul came with John and I. It went pretty well. We heard from his friends how Edward really struggled during those few weeks often going without food and not having a home to go to.
He seemed broken. It was painful to see, but when you want so desperately for there to be change and healing, you hope the visit to the pain is necessary but temporary.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Monday, June 9, 2014
Tough Love...there's a reason why they call it tough
Edward was angry and did not see his part in any of it. It was a scary time because of his anger toward John and wondering how we were going to live this way. I knew more fights would come. I know my son. He holds on to his grudges. Still does. I talked a lot with him trying to get him to see the whole picture. He was angry and was not going to let it go. I was still confused myself. I think John could have avoided the fight. The men in our community group said it would have gone down the same way in their house. There is stuff about men that I don't know I will ever understand. Kind of like the thing out there about showing your dog who is boss by biting him on the ear, or staring down your cat without looking away. They tried to explain that John had to defend himself and had to show that he was the authority in the house. I get it some, but part of me does not because it is an adult and a child not two adults. But I was still looking at Edward as a child not the man-child he was.
I told Edward that if he could not control his anger that he needed to leave. It was the week before spring break...so crazy. Spring break his senior year. Kind of a crappy was to remember your senior year...going to jail, getting kicked out of your house. I told him he could come back when he could control his anger and live under our rules...which meant no drugs.
He stayed with one friend's family until spring break. Then he went on spring break with another friend (already planned). When he got back, he stayed with that friend's family. Sofa surfing. I can't really imagine what it felt like for him.
There were a couple times when he called and asked to sleep here, but the answer was no. He didn't want to change anything, just wanted a place to lay his head. Worst feeling ever. We put water, food and clothes out in his truck for him and said he could sleep out there. While the house was quiet without his loud (horrid) music, there's just that underlying worry on a lot of levels...for his safety, and ours.
Finally he called and asked if he could move back in. He said he would live by our rules.
I told Edward that if he could not control his anger that he needed to leave. It was the week before spring break...so crazy. Spring break his senior year. Kind of a crappy was to remember your senior year...going to jail, getting kicked out of your house. I told him he could come back when he could control his anger and live under our rules...which meant no drugs.
He stayed with one friend's family until spring break. Then he went on spring break with another friend (already planned). When he got back, he stayed with that friend's family. Sofa surfing. I can't really imagine what it felt like for him.
There were a couple times when he called and asked to sleep here, but the answer was no. He didn't want to change anything, just wanted a place to lay his head. Worst feeling ever. We put water, food and clothes out in his truck for him and said he could sleep out there. While the house was quiet without his loud (horrid) music, there's just that underlying worry on a lot of levels...for his safety, and ours.
Finally he called and asked if he could move back in. He said he would live by our rules.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
What's Community Look Like to You?
If you hang at Watermark, you are going to hear and answer this question at least once. And while any one definition might be able to encapsulate it, a picture is worth a thousand words.
We decided to take away things from Edward, his speakers and ability to listen to music that filled him with nothing positive as well as his guitar for the time being. Edward took it up a notch and started pulling everything about of his room. I wasn't going to argue, he needed to be brought down. We were also taking away his key. In his anger he opened his side door and threw the key into the back yard. I was trying to talk with Edward...talk him through his rage. Edward does not hear rationale...really, ever but especially when things are not going his way. John stood in the doorway with an arm on each side of the door frame. He told Edward to go get the key. Edward ducked under his arm and turned and struck John. What happened next was probably the worst 2 hours of my life. Edward and John were fighting. Momma bear, that animal instinct, also kicked in and I slapped John trying to get him to stop. Ashley was screaming trying to get into it as well to make it stop. Sydney and Ashley went upstairs and were crying and calling their dad. Edward's screaming and crying. John had a cut on his head and called the police. I go upstairs and am trying to calm Ashley and Sydney down. I am talking to their dad on the phone trying to keep him away because he would only make matters WAY WORSE. My worst nightmare. One reason that this has taken me years to write. I don't want to relive it. Even now typing it, I hate it. If I could erase hours from my life, I would erase these.
The police were at our house. Because it was a domestic call and because Edward hit John first, Edward was arrested. Outside our house, actually outside our neighbor's house. Once again, I am embarrassed. But, I am more angry, scared, worried and confused.
Here's what community looks like. Somewhere during this time, John texted 911 to our community group. An hour later, they were at our house. 4 couples, with kids in tow. Men were out back talking to John. Women were inside talking to me. John and I were not talking to each other. Sydney left with a friend because she didn't want to be in the house with John. In the hours that ensued there was a lot of talking with our group in all forms trying to hash through what happened and our parts in it. I learned that when I hit John, I showed I was taking Edward's side and discounting him and his authority. Evening came and no one in our community left. They ate dinner with us and stayed with us.
We got a phone call from the UP Police. They said Edward was in custody awaiting to go before a judge and we had two choices afterwards because UP is not really a jail. We could bail him out or he would be transferred down to Lew Sterritt. At this point, we thought that Edward could not handle Lew Sterritt.
John and I drove down to bail bonds and John put forward the money to bail him out. It was a silent ride there and back, both of us hurt, both of us angry (but both of us still in love...just not in like at that moment).
Our community group was still at our house when we got back. We had to wait for the bail bonds people to go back to let the "system" know that we had paid his bond so he would not be transferred. So, we waited...and THEY waited with us. At this point it has gotten late and the kids all have school the next day. Kids are crashed in beds everywhere in the house, adults are sleeping on the couches and on the floor, but none of them were leaving. Around 3:00 am we got the call that we could go pick get Edward from the UP Police station. As a group, we walked from our house to the police station together to show Edward that we were all behind him. As a group, we all walked back with him to our house.
What does community look like??? It looks like I just described... UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
We decided to take away things from Edward, his speakers and ability to listen to music that filled him with nothing positive as well as his guitar for the time being. Edward took it up a notch and started pulling everything about of his room. I wasn't going to argue, he needed to be brought down. We were also taking away his key. In his anger he opened his side door and threw the key into the back yard. I was trying to talk with Edward...talk him through his rage. Edward does not hear rationale...really, ever but especially when things are not going his way. John stood in the doorway with an arm on each side of the door frame. He told Edward to go get the key. Edward ducked under his arm and turned and struck John. What happened next was probably the worst 2 hours of my life. Edward and John were fighting. Momma bear, that animal instinct, also kicked in and I slapped John trying to get him to stop. Ashley was screaming trying to get into it as well to make it stop. Sydney and Ashley went upstairs and were crying and calling their dad. Edward's screaming and crying. John had a cut on his head and called the police. I go upstairs and am trying to calm Ashley and Sydney down. I am talking to their dad on the phone trying to keep him away because he would only make matters WAY WORSE. My worst nightmare. One reason that this has taken me years to write. I don't want to relive it. Even now typing it, I hate it. If I could erase hours from my life, I would erase these.
The police were at our house. Because it was a domestic call and because Edward hit John first, Edward was arrested. Outside our house, actually outside our neighbor's house. Once again, I am embarrassed. But, I am more angry, scared, worried and confused.
Here's what community looks like. Somewhere during this time, John texted 911 to our community group. An hour later, they were at our house. 4 couples, with kids in tow. Men were out back talking to John. Women were inside talking to me. John and I were not talking to each other. Sydney left with a friend because she didn't want to be in the house with John. In the hours that ensued there was a lot of talking with our group in all forms trying to hash through what happened and our parts in it. I learned that when I hit John, I showed I was taking Edward's side and discounting him and his authority. Evening came and no one in our community left. They ate dinner with us and stayed with us.
We got a phone call from the UP Police. They said Edward was in custody awaiting to go before a judge and we had two choices afterwards because UP is not really a jail. We could bail him out or he would be transferred down to Lew Sterritt. At this point, we thought that Edward could not handle Lew Sterritt.
John and I drove down to bail bonds and John put forward the money to bail him out. It was a silent ride there and back, both of us hurt, both of us angry (but both of us still in love...just not in like at that moment).
Our community group was still at our house when we got back. We had to wait for the bail bonds people to go back to let the "system" know that we had paid his bond so he would not be transferred. So, we waited...and THEY waited with us. At this point it has gotten late and the kids all have school the next day. Kids are crashed in beds everywhere in the house, adults are sleeping on the couches and on the floor, but none of them were leaving. Around 3:00 am we got the call that we could go pick get Edward from the UP Police station. As a group, we walked from our house to the police station together to show Edward that we were all behind him. As a group, we all walked back with him to our house.
What does community look like??? It looks like I just described... UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Love Thy Neighbor
We have a contentious relationship with our neighbor. The history of it is too long and really doesn't even matter. Edward's issues with drugs was too much and rightly so. She is raising her grandson because her daughter has mental as well as physical health problems. I wouldn't want a disrespectful, drug using teenager around my kid either.
We had taken a trip to visit John's parents with Ashley...just a day trip. On the way back, we get a call from our neighbor that our son is out back smoking a crack pipe. John tells her to call the police, but she doesn't. When we get home, we search Edward's room and the only thing we find is an unbent paper clip. John knows these are used to help clean out marijuana pipes, so we decide that the next day we are going to drug test him in the morning.
John took Ashley to church and I stayed home with Edward so I could catch him when he first woke up and get a urine sample. Sydney was done with IOP and part of being released was having a home contract and continuing to drug test your kid. I had handled more urine than I ever thought I would and we were stocked with 6 panels that test for all kinds of stuff. Sure enough, Edward tested positive for pot.
John took Ashley to church and I stayed home with Edward so I could catch him when he first woke up and get a urine sample. Sydney was done with IOP and part of being released was having a home contract and continuing to drug test your kid. I had handled more urine than I ever thought I would and we were stocked with 6 panels that test for all kinds of stuff. Sure enough, Edward tested positive for pot.
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