Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." My pride still needed to be refined...more like diminished. The Lord had worked on my pride and identity I placed on my children. Marriage is hard in the best of circumstances because, let's face it, we are all selfish and looking out for our own best interests and desires. Merging two lives is difficult. We were raised completely different from each other. You bring your past into your marriage. With God's help, you can overcome the past that you don't want to repeat. Without this, you are destined to repeat your past because it is what you know so most times it is what you revert to in default. Sydney and John have had the hardest time. A lot of this stems from them really being a lot alike in some ways. They both like control. This can cause problems...obviously, right?! Because he is the man of the household, he has the authority in this house. But, previously I had probably relegated a lot of that to her and she was and continues to struggle with letting him be in charge.
Ashley and I had gone to church. At some point, I received a text that began, "*@#% these kids..." I have a new phone now so I don't remember the text exactly. The jest of it was that John was done. He was at home with Sydney and was so angry with her that he decided he needed to leave before he lost it and hurt her. So he packed his stuff and left. Left me. I was devastated...and angry.
I don't remember what the sermon was about. It was all I could do to hold it together. What I do remember was a Chris Tomlin song that we sang that day, "More than enough" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EW-toYBiF8o. All of the sudden I remembered what I said before I got married, that Jesus was my lover, my friend, my husband. He has to first and foremost. He has to
be enough.
I blocked John's number. I needed to process this without being told how I should process it. Let me say here that he did not do this easily. He did not do this unemotionally. He called people from our community group and our leader from a marriage ministry we were all going through in our community group. He was placed in a tough, thankless position. Like I said earlier, I don't think I am up for the job. He was doing what he thought was best at the time.
Through community, prayers and talking to each other we found our way back. He met with each kid individually, apologized to them and asked each if they would be okay if he moved back in. It was eye opening and caused a shift in my thinking in that my talk...Jesus is enough...had to match my walk. HE is enough for me. I want to go through this life with John by my side. I love him deeply and God has moved in both of us. But, with or without him Jesus is enough. I had to learn to trust in the Lord and not lean on my own understanding. Although my paths weren't straightened yet, I knew I was on the right path.
I joined a group called Dallas Christian Singles. They were a meet up group and met fun places and did fun things. One Saturday they went to Red River. I love Red River. I had gone there a few times. I learned that when the band took a break they played the music that I love dancing to, so I was excited to go dance. I have no problem getting out there and dancing by myself. I don't really know how dance "country" but had fun. I danced with him there. He had on a blue shirt, a cowboy hat and had amazing blue eyes. He was there with another group celebrating someone's birthday. He emailed to make sure I got home okay. That was it. I saw him later at another meet up. The meet up was at Dance With Me and they were learning how to country & western dance. Eventually, there was a date. Actually, it was a date that almost wasn't. I thought he was standing me up when he didn't show up to Ball's Hamburgers...we showed up at two different places.
I am a changed person now. I vowed to remain pure until I was married...if ever again. That's something I thought needed to be out in the open in the beginning to be fair. I wasn't looking to get married, nor was I looking for a hook up. John had similar values. We ALL learn from our past. The conversation was great. We sat there 6 hours and it felt like 15 minutes while they were cleaning up the restaurant, putting chairs on tables and mopping.
Let me tell you one of the things that made him attractive to me. He loved the Lord. That simple. My priorities had changed.
The crap that I desired when I was young was no longer there. There is a part of me that is a hopeless romantic...sweet gestures, holding hands. But, the illusion of a man that loves me more than anything else was no longer appealing. If He doesn't love the Lord, first and foremost, I wasn't interested. Man, disappoints. Not man as in males, but man as in you and me...especially me.
.
I benched myself, so to speak. With one divorce and one love dead, I was out. I was content being a single mom. I knew how to do it, and there was no risk. It was a sweet time in my life. I started going to Watermark Community Church. I had heard the name and wanted my kids exposed to the radical love that I saw happening there...especially the godly men. I got involved in a community group of women I am still in a group with. I love them dearly. They challenge me and make me a better person. I grew so close to the Lord and learned to spend time with Him everyday...learning His word so I could have it engraved in my heart, praying and having conversation with Him. Time does "heal" wounds (God's timing and God's way). At one point I started talking with God, "Okay, I'm ready to get back out there." It is the only time I have heard the Lord speak to me (the Holy Spirit interceding). Seven words I will not forget. I was on Lovers Lane under the Tollway. "I am not through with you yet." I listened. I was happy. I needed to find more friends that were like minded and running after Jesus...girl friends and get out there in world so I was not isolated. I was baptized on May 18, 2008. Jesus was my lover, my friend, my husband.
I don't think I have what it takes for the job. You see, there is forgiveness and grace for parents. I have messed up, said horrid things, been mean. But, there is forgiveness there. I do own my mistakes and ask for forgiveness. But, the same is not true for John. The forgiveness and grace are tough to come by, especially where two teenagers are concerned. I was always a single mom...even when I was married before. I did everything for them and around them. Sydney and I were exceptionally close. Upon further introspection, probably not healthily so. They did not like that my attention was not all focused on them. Sydney, especially, has difficulty sharing and caring for John (for lots of reasons). He continues to try which amazes me.
Can you imagine walking into the mess I just described...teenagers amuk dealing with some hard core issues?
Mosaic Turner's Syndrome is chromosomal. It occurs when the XX of the female chromosomes are missing or incomplete on some of the chromosomes. There was a point when I researched it. Now I am content knowing just the basics and depending on God that He has it under control. He has a special plan for Ashley. We go to appointments, listen to doctors, make decisions and move on. She gets growth hormone shots six times a week. We all learned how to give them to her and she can give them to herself. Short stature is the biggest indicator of Turner's. She has a love/hate relationship with her shots. She hates them, but she wants them. She has grown a lot since she has started taking them. But, it is her body and when she decides she is done, she can be done. We trust her doctor. She hates him :)...he "makes" her get her blood drawn so her numbers are always in check. Because the Turner's was diagnosed before puberty, medicine is able to maximize her growth during this period. Sometimes the stuff that is good for you, sucks.
We are blessed in so many ways. Her compassion for others is amazing. She loves everyone unconditionally and has a heart for those who are "different" by society's wretched standards. She is completely "ignorant" of one's looks and sees the heart. One day, in Heaven, we will all be like that. Oh, what a glorious day.
There was still one difficult thing we had to do-tell Ashley. They had a parents night out at her elementary school on Friday. Our plan was to take her out afterwards over some McDonald fries of all things and give her the basics. I explained that they found out what was going on with her from the blood they had drawn. We told her the name of what she had and the basic frame of what we knew. Much more information would come our way and as my friends so aptly said, "God is in charge." We could give her the certainty of what it was called and really that was about it. We wanted her above all else to know, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know this full well."...a verse every person should have written in their heart (Psalm 139:14) . God makes no mistakes. He knew exactly what He was doing and how He was going to use it. Like I said, He has great things planned for her and I cannot wait to see this all play out. Her response??? She wanted more fries. I love kids. I love that they are nothing like adults for the most part...their worries, fears of the world, their trust. I envy them that.
I remember driving home that day...well, I remember before I drove home. You've heard the expression "wailing and gnashing of teeth"? It was the first time I lost it. It was in the parking lot at my job. I screamed at God that I could not take anymore. I cast Satan out...he needed to leave us alone. I couldn't drive home until the sobbing had subsided. It was one of many times I have realized how really close we are to animals. That momma bear in any parent whose child is being hurt, tested. Stop playing with my babies...momma doesn't respond well when her babies are threatened. I was ANGRY and 100% dependent. My daughter was in His hands. Really, and only after years of walking through trials, I have realized that they were never really my children to begin with. They belong to Him. And as much as it was breaking my heart that they hurt, He was hurting along with them. I also have realized that if ANYONE understands the pain of a parent whose child is being hurt, God does; for He sent His own Son to be hung on a cross and suffer unimaginable pain. Who better for me to put my trust in and depend on?!
