Saturday, April 28, 2012
A New Normal
I am at the bottom...again. My heart aches and my heart is broken. I don't know what lies ahead. Is my daughter an alcoholic? Am I going to lose her too? There is shame, guilt, tremendous sadness
Part of the condition of release for Sydney was attending IOP..for those that have not walked this road that is Intensive Out Patient treatment. Our new normal involved me having to take short term disability to leave my job early everyday to take her to the Seay Center. She would do counseling every evening with parents coming in the last hour of counseling for family counseling. On Fridays parents went to in house al anon meetings. In addition, Sydney had to attend AA meetings and find a sponsor.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Refinement AND Restoration
Yes, there was refinement and restoration in this time. It, of course, looked nothing like I expected. One of the best lines I've ever heard, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him the plans you have for your life."
God did bring restoration and refinement in my life. I use to hate this psalm...I always called it the "death" psalm because it seemed like the only time I heard it would be at funerals. But, it had a new meaning to me.
Psalm 23:
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
It didn't look at all what I thought it would look like and it wasn't what I would have asked for. But, He did restore my soul and comfort me and His goodness and love follow me. And through and especially after this time, we drew closer to each other. Not becauseI thought He was finally there, but because I finally came back to Him realizing He was there all along.
God did bring restoration and refinement in my life. I use to hate this psalm...I always called it the "death" psalm because it seemed like the only time I heard it would be at funerals. But, it had a new meaning to me.
Psalm 23:
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.
It didn't look at all what I thought it would look like and it wasn't what I would have asked for. But, He did restore my soul and comfort me and His goodness and love follow me. And through and especially after this time, we drew closer to each other. Not becauseI thought He was finally there, but because I finally came back to Him realizing He was there all along.
There's no place like home, right?
Moving day. Bill was still in the hospital. With Bill's dad supervising, three of his best buds came and moved all of his stuff from his townhome to my house and to storage. His friends can only be described in one word that would cover it all...AMAZING! An assortment, to be sure, but I loved them all. They all had the same heart. Maybe it comes from growing up in a small town. I'm not sure, but gosh...what an amazing group of guys!!!
Bill, eventually came here. His parents came to visit once he was all moved in and occasionally he got out and about even going to an AA meeting. One guy walked him out to my car and wanted desperately to be his sponsor seeing how badly he needed it. It was very sweet.
There were lots of medicines. He fell several times because his liver was in critical condition and he was recuperating and weak. We used my dad's walker from when he had cancer.
One night he fell asleep catywompus in the bed. Because he was sleeping peacefully, I went and slept with my oldest daughter. She woke up in the middle of the night wanting juice. As I went downstairs to get her a drink, I stopped to see if Bill needed anything. He looked different.
It was the middle of the night so I thought I might be still asleep. I rubbed my eyes and tried again. Again, he wouldn't wake. I touched his cheek. He was gone. I called my mom. I still didn't realize the reality of the situation. "I think Bill is dead." She tells me to call 911. I call 911. My mom beats them here (not because they are lame or slow...granny must have BOOKED it over here). The paramedics show up and I am standing at the foot of my bed. And reality sinks in. He has been dead a while as rigor has set in. They ask me to leave the room. They move him down to the floor. My mom and I are sitting in the hallway outside my room. I have two little girls sleeping upstairs. I had to wake my son downstairs and tell him to let the police in and up (and what was going on).
My mom calls his parents because I can't. There is an officer sitting in the hallway with us while police and paramedics stay in my room. What I didn't know then, because of his age, they had us out in the hallway because I was a suspect. Not until they found all his medicines, his medical papers, etc. did they say anything. That freaked me out. I understand it, but...wow, really? REALLY?!
They call the coroner, I guess. Someone comes over to take the body. All this time, they have not let me go in there. They did not let me say good-bye. I hear the second sickest sound I've ever heard (the first one being my mother-in-law's primortial sound of crying when her husband died). The officer tells us we may want to go into another room because we may not want to see this. The sound of a body in a plastic bag being carried down my stairs. If I live my whole life and NEVER hear anything similar to that sound EVER again, it would be good!!!
See, I thought I had already hit my bottom. I would bury Bill and go through grief counseling. For days, I would hardly go in the house. My car was immaculate as I stayed outside as much as I could. I could handle going into my house only as necessary and for brief periods of time. I went to work because I couldn't stand being home. I continued to sleep in my daughter's bed. Eventually, one day I fell asleep on top of the covers in my bed. I thought I had my portion of grief that I was alloted for this lifetime
A look back
You see, I thought I had hit my bottom already. But to understand, I need to give some background.
I divorced in 2005 after 13 years of marriage. I know divorce is bad, and I do not ever recommend it when friends say they are considering it. But, then again, I hang around different people now than I did then. And, I am different. A sign of God's refinement in my life as He walks through the valleys with me.
After my divorce I began dating one of my boyfriends from my college days. I am not one of those who cares to visit the past of "old boyfriends". My thought here was that the relationship had already ran its course. It ended as it should or as it would. Why revisit that again? Isn't that the definition of insanity?
Bill, was different. We never really "broke up". I was a year older than he. I graduated and went on my path. He was still in school and stayed on his. He was the one "ghost" from my past that I would wonder about...how is he? what's he doing? where is he? is he married? does he have kids?...
Finally, we were in the same place in life again although life had taken us on two different paths. The same chemistry from "back in the day" was still there.
In college he was known as quite the party animal and when people saw us together it never made sense to them because I was more the goody two shoe type...certainly not in the same league on the party scene (although I had my fair share of wildness). But they didn't know him like I did. They didn't see him walk me home, holding my hand. They didn't know he took me on a picnic at the pier at sunset and we talked all hours of the night about any and everything.
Dating him was so fun! I felt young and ridiculously happy. Finally, I would get that happily ever after. We dated for almost two years.
There were cracks though (where aren't there???). He was in the hospital four times...once he passed out after working out when we first started dating. He said it was because his electrolytes were low. There were other times and other explanations. I kept telling him it was not normal though. The only times I had been hospitalized were for giving birth. I kept suggesting that he needed to see a doctor. He was too sickly for someone in his prime years.
At Christmas, he went home to visit his parents and passed out and had a seizure at church. I drove to Tyler to see him and about fell out myself as the doctor's questioned his parents and I about him being an alcoholic. I had seen him drink wine...with me even. I knew he drank in college. But, an alcoholic???
We didn't live together so I really didn't know what went on when I wasn't there, but his behavior never seemed like an alcoholics. I have learned A LOT since then with a whole lot of introspection into my life the error of thinking that alcoholics were loud, angry, abusive people. (there's a whole other story the
there for another time). He denied it, at least in front of us. We told the doctor's we wouldn't let him drink.
Once he came home and recovered from this last "sickness", he had begun to talk about wanting to get married. I didn't think he was an alcoholic. He had been nothing but loving, kind, everything I wanted.
My family has a tradition of going to eat at Pappadeax around Valentine's day. He was there with us. He looked particularly sick to the point where he had to go to the bathroom and throw up. He seemed disoriented and was behaving oddly. We were going to go to an SMU basketball game after that, but my mom pulled me aside and said I needed to take him to the hospital...that she would take the kids and I needed to take him. But, he would not listen to me. I asked, begged, got angry and he blew me off saying he just needed to go home and get some sleep.
I called his parents, whom I had met and loved. Told them, as hard as it was, that he needed to go to the hospital and he wouldn't listen to me. They got in there car and made the trip to Dallas. His mom is not someone you want to mess with. They got here and drove him to the hospital themselves. They told his parents had he not gotten to the hospital, he would have died.
He was in ICU for days and eventually the hospital for a long while. In the interim, between Christmas and Valentines, he had put his townhome on the market. Thinking it would take a while to sell (at least 6 months) then he would move in and we would get married. During the time he was in the hospital, his townhome sold. His dad closed the deal with privileges to handle Bill's affairs. When it was finally time for him to come home, the home he came to was mine.
I divorced in 2005 after 13 years of marriage. I know divorce is bad, and I do not ever recommend it when friends say they are considering it. But, then again, I hang around different people now than I did then. And, I am different. A sign of God's refinement in my life as He walks through the valleys with me.
After my divorce I began dating one of my boyfriends from my college days. I am not one of those who cares to visit the past of "old boyfriends". My thought here was that the relationship had already ran its course. It ended as it should or as it would. Why revisit that again? Isn't that the definition of insanity?
Bill, was different. We never really "broke up". I was a year older than he. I graduated and went on my path. He was still in school and stayed on his. He was the one "ghost" from my past that I would wonder about...how is he? what's he doing? where is he? is he married? does he have kids?...
Finally, we were in the same place in life again although life had taken us on two different paths. The same chemistry from "back in the day" was still there.
In college he was known as quite the party animal and when people saw us together it never made sense to them because I was more the goody two shoe type...certainly not in the same league on the party scene (although I had my fair share of wildness). But they didn't know him like I did. They didn't see him walk me home, holding my hand. They didn't know he took me on a picnic at the pier at sunset and we talked all hours of the night about any and everything.
Dating him was so fun! I felt young and ridiculously happy. Finally, I would get that happily ever after. We dated for almost two years.
There were cracks though (where aren't there???). He was in the hospital four times...once he passed out after working out when we first started dating. He said it was because his electrolytes were low. There were other times and other explanations. I kept telling him it was not normal though. The only times I had been hospitalized were for giving birth. I kept suggesting that he needed to see a doctor. He was too sickly for someone in his prime years.
At Christmas, he went home to visit his parents and passed out and had a seizure at church. I drove to Tyler to see him and about fell out myself as the doctor's questioned his parents and I about him being an alcoholic. I had seen him drink wine...with me even. I knew he drank in college. But, an alcoholic???
We didn't live together so I really didn't know what went on when I wasn't there, but his behavior never seemed like an alcoholics. I have learned A LOT since then with a whole lot of introspection into my life the error of thinking that alcoholics were loud, angry, abusive people. (there's a whole other story the
there for another time). He denied it, at least in front of us. We told the doctor's we wouldn't let him drink.
Once he came home and recovered from this last "sickness", he had begun to talk about wanting to get married. I didn't think he was an alcoholic. He had been nothing but loving, kind, everything I wanted.
My family has a tradition of going to eat at Pappadeax around Valentine's day. He was there with us. He looked particularly sick to the point where he had to go to the bathroom and throw up. He seemed disoriented and was behaving oddly. We were going to go to an SMU basketball game after that, but my mom pulled me aside and said I needed to take him to the hospital...that she would take the kids and I needed to take him. But, he would not listen to me. I asked, begged, got angry and he blew me off saying he just needed to go home and get some sleep.
I called his parents, whom I had met and loved. Told them, as hard as it was, that he needed to go to the hospital and he wouldn't listen to me. They got in there car and made the trip to Dallas. His mom is not someone you want to mess with. They got here and drove him to the hospital themselves. They told his parents had he not gotten to the hospital, he would have died.
He was in ICU for days and eventually the hospital for a long while. In the interim, between Christmas and Valentines, he had put his townhome on the market. Thinking it would take a while to sell (at least 6 months) then he would move in and we would get married. During the time he was in the hospital, his townhome sold. His dad closed the deal with privileges to handle Bill's affairs. When it was finally time for him to come home, the home he came to was mine.
911
We tell her to call the ambulance. I change clothes and am on my way. There really is no describing how I feel on that drive. Will my daughter be alive? Will this be the last time I see her? Will she be in a coma and a "vegetable" her whole life? I can't even remember if or what I prayed...pretty sure there was some begging and pleading on my part, as I am often prone to do in times of trouble. I can't remember how I drove there.
The ambulance was already outside their house but not up in Megan's room. Nosey neighbors were already looking out windows. I run upstairs and see Joe "yelling" at Syd trying to get her to "wake up". Megan and Anna, another friend, were crying. Vomit drools out of the side of Sydney's mouth. She makes a groaning sound, or some kind of vocal, glutteral, noise.
The paramedics are looking at her now...trying to get her to wake up. I don't remember much until they are loading her into the ambulance. He said she would be okay. What does that mean? She will be alive, but will only be making these glutteral noises for the rest of her life? What does that mean?!?
Joe takes Megan and I behind the ambulance. Again, this is so unreal! He is driving as fast as they are following the ambulance that has MY DAUGHTER in it. Are you kidding me? It's not a dream. It's not a dream. That's my kid in there. My child...flesh of my flesh. Unreality that is stark reality.
John is there by the time we get there.
They say the bad things that happen after a divorce are not punishment for the divorce, but that divorce IS the punishment. It is not God's will and does not please Him. My ex and I are, to say in the least, not friends. Most of the time we aren't even friendly although this has begun to change. The call to tell her dad was hard. It's not a call anyone wants to get or anyone wants to make.
We knew that it would be ugly...and it was. We asked them to get an officer to come down knowing whatever was going to happen when he got there, we would need help. This was not a time for accusations and "I told you so's". There are PLENTY to go around. Take a heaping serving-because NO ONE escapes that one!
He came in and dished out servings in front of everyone and the officer had him removed. They had to usher us (mom and stepdad) into a different area to let him visit. Then take him to a different part for our turn. It was ridiculous. To this day it still makes my blood boil.
Her blood alcohol level was twice the "normal" limit....whatever THAT means. What it did mean, is that at her age and her size she could have died that night. The amount of alcohol she drank was scary. She was extremely dehydrated and on an IV. Thankfully, she had vomited most of the poison out of her. Thankfully, her "friend" dropped her off somewhere that she would be cared for. Thankfully, her friend, Megan, was brave enough to wake up her parents. Gratefully, God has spared her life.
The ambulance was already outside their house but not up in Megan's room. Nosey neighbors were already looking out windows. I run upstairs and see Joe "yelling" at Syd trying to get her to "wake up". Megan and Anna, another friend, were crying. Vomit drools out of the side of Sydney's mouth. She makes a groaning sound, or some kind of vocal, glutteral, noise.
The paramedics are looking at her now...trying to get her to wake up. I don't remember much until they are loading her into the ambulance. He said she would be okay. What does that mean? She will be alive, but will only be making these glutteral noises for the rest of her life? What does that mean?!?
Joe takes Megan and I behind the ambulance. Again, this is so unreal! He is driving as fast as they are following the ambulance that has MY DAUGHTER in it. Are you kidding me? It's not a dream. It's not a dream. That's my kid in there. My child...flesh of my flesh. Unreality that is stark reality.
John is there by the time we get there.
They say the bad things that happen after a divorce are not punishment for the divorce, but that divorce IS the punishment. It is not God's will and does not please Him. My ex and I are, to say in the least, not friends. Most of the time we aren't even friendly although this has begun to change. The call to tell her dad was hard. It's not a call anyone wants to get or anyone wants to make.
We knew that it would be ugly...and it was. We asked them to get an officer to come down knowing whatever was going to happen when he got there, we would need help. This was not a time for accusations and "I told you so's". There are PLENTY to go around. Take a heaping serving-because NO ONE escapes that one!
He came in and dished out servings in front of everyone and the officer had him removed. They had to usher us (mom and stepdad) into a different area to let him visit. Then take him to a different part for our turn. It was ridiculous. To this day it still makes my blood boil.
Her blood alcohol level was twice the "normal" limit....whatever THAT means. What it did mean, is that at her age and her size she could have died that night. The amount of alcohol she drank was scary. She was extremely dehydrated and on an IV. Thankfully, she had vomited most of the poison out of her. Thankfully, her "friend" dropped her off somewhere that she would be cared for. Thankfully, her friend, Megan, was brave enough to wake up her parents. Gratefully, God has spared her life.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
There really is no bottom, you know?
October 10, 2010.
It was a beautiful night, really. We had a friend over with her two kids for dinner. Sydney and Ally ate dinner with us as well. The plan was to go to the park and watch a movie on those big blow up screens. Sydney and Ally, however, decided they were going to go to a movie at the theatre. John, in wisdom, stayed back with them. While Stephanie, Ashley, Campbell, Jenna and I head to the park, John drove the girls to the theatre and even watched them walk toward the window.
After the movie, our friend went home and we all went to bed. I have always been a good sleeper. I go, go, go until I crash. And then I sleep like a rock. All those years of having "momma" ears and waking up to the least little whimper or whine were LONG gone! I was out. But your momma instinct never goes away. Even with my phone only on vibrate, I awaken at 12:30 am to answer a call from a dear family friend (the one I mentioned earlier who treats my kids as her own). Sydney has been dropped off in front of her house. Her friend, only 15 and with no license, took her mother's car and drove, drunk, to drop Syndey off in the street...passed out in her own vomit.
Megan tried to get Sydney upstairs, but couldn't carry her dead weight. So she gets her big brother to carry Sydney upstairs in their house. Megan, more like a sister than friend, has put her in the shower to clean her up and changed her clothes. In all this, she could not get Sydney to wake up. Scared, she awakens her parents. Mona and Joe have tried to arouse her and cannot. This is when Mona calls me.
I'm awake now.
It was a beautiful night, really. We had a friend over with her two kids for dinner. Sydney and Ally ate dinner with us as well. The plan was to go to the park and watch a movie on those big blow up screens. Sydney and Ally, however, decided they were going to go to a movie at the theatre. John, in wisdom, stayed back with them. While Stephanie, Ashley, Campbell, Jenna and I head to the park, John drove the girls to the theatre and even watched them walk toward the window.
After the movie, our friend went home and we all went to bed. I have always been a good sleeper. I go, go, go until I crash. And then I sleep like a rock. All those years of having "momma" ears and waking up to the least little whimper or whine were LONG gone! I was out. But your momma instinct never goes away. Even with my phone only on vibrate, I awaken at 12:30 am to answer a call from a dear family friend (the one I mentioned earlier who treats my kids as her own). Sydney has been dropped off in front of her house. Her friend, only 15 and with no license, took her mother's car and drove, drunk, to drop Syndey off in the street...passed out in her own vomit.
Megan tried to get Sydney upstairs, but couldn't carry her dead weight. So she gets her big brother to carry Sydney upstairs in their house. Megan, more like a sister than friend, has put her in the shower to clean her up and changed her clothes. In all this, she could not get Sydney to wake up. Scared, she awakens her parents. Mona and Joe have tried to arouse her and cannot. This is when Mona calls me.
I'm awake now.
Refinement
Restoration was not yet to come.
1 Peter 1:6 & 7 tells us, "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
Funny, how one sees oneself. The rose-colored glasses which we tend to view ourselves through are not the same spectacles that our Lord uses. How often I forget that we will not ever be perfected this side of Heaven, but our goal until then is to become more like Christ in the process. More often, I forget that the events of our lives are to bring the glory to God...to point to Him...always.
Well, there is more work to be done in me; and, the judicious God that He is, has some more working out to do in some others as well.
This crisis has come, and we have rallied. How dare I get complacent though!
1 Peter 1:6 & 7 tells us, "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
Funny, how one sees oneself. The rose-colored glasses which we tend to view ourselves through are not the same spectacles that our Lord uses. How often I forget that we will not ever be perfected this side of Heaven, but our goal until then is to become more like Christ in the process. More often, I forget that the events of our lives are to bring the glory to God...to point to Him...always.
Well, there is more work to be done in me; and, the judicious God that He is, has some more working out to do in some others as well.
This crisis has come, and we have rallied. How dare I get complacent though!
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