Straight paths

Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  My pride still needed to be refined...more like diminished.  The Lord had worked on my pride and identity I placed on my children.  Marriage is hard in the best of circumstances because, let's face it, we are all selfish and looking out for our own best interests and desires.  Merging two lives is difficult.  We were raised completely different from each other.  You bring your past into your marriage.  With God's help, you can overcome the past that you don't want to repeat.  Without this, you are destined to repeat your past because it is what you know so most times it is what you revert to in default.  Sydney and John have had the hardest time.  A lot of this stems from them really being a lot alike in some ways.  They both like control.  This can cause problems...obviously, right?!   Because he is the man of the household, he has the authority in this house.  But, previously I had probably relegated a lot of that to her and she was and continues to struggle with letting him be in charge. 

Ashley and I had gone to church.  At some point, I received a text that began, "*@#% these kids..."  I have a new phone now so I don't remember the text exactly.  The jest of it was that John was done.  He was at home with Sydney and was so angry with her that he decided he needed to leave before he lost it and hurt her.  So he packed his stuff and left.  Left me.  I was devastated...and angry.

I don't remember what the sermon was about.  It was all I could do to hold it together.  What I do remember was a Chris Tomlin song that we sang that day, "More than enough" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EW-toYBiF8o.  All of the sudden I remembered what I said before I got married, that Jesus was my lover, my friend, my husband.  He has to first and foremost.  He has to
be enough. 

I blocked John's number.  I needed to process this without being told how I should process it.  Let me say here that he did not do this easily.  He did not do this unemotionally.  He called people from our community group and our leader from a marriage ministry we were all going through in our community group.  He was placed in a tough, thankless position.  Like I said earlier, I don't think I am up for the job.  He was doing what he thought was best at the time. 

Through community, prayers and talking to each other we found our way back.  He met with each kid individually, apologized to them and asked each if they would be okay if he moved back in.  It was eye opening and caused a shift in my thinking in that my talk...Jesus is enough...had to match my walk.  HE is enough for me.  I want to go through this life with John by my side.  I love him deeply and God has moved in both of us.  But, with or without him Jesus is enough.  I had to learn to trust in the Lord and not lean on my own understanding.  Although my paths weren't straightened yet, I knew I was on the right path.