I guess I never really had to think about it when I was young. And then at some point I guess it becomes more obvious. I didn't grow up in the same place I was born, so I have no comparison to make. I feel like, at least in my memories, I was equal to others, accepted, liked. I can't remember ever NOT feeling like that, so...
We moved to Dallas the summer before I turned twelve. We were like other children, I imagine, and not excited about moving. We were "bribed" with getting our own animals (me a cat, my brother a dog) and having a swimming pool at our house. It was the loneliest summer of my life. I didn't know anybody so my days swimming in our new pool was me by myself.
And moving to Dallas at the most awkward age in life was like slamming into a painful wall. I wasn't a different person and yet, by location, all the sudden I understood what it was like to not be accepted, teased, not liked, not "in". Craziest 35 year experience of my life. I saw other people move in and get accepted so I didn't get it. I do more now. For sure, money talks around here. Belonging to the right places, buying the right brands, knowing the right people.
Suckiest feeling. To the two girls that decided tormenting me in middle school was fun, I will never understand you. I just don't get that mentality.
I found a few dear friends. I was in the band and in choir so I knew people through those as well. And church. If you know me at all, church was where I found life...literally when I accepted Jesus as my Savior and figuratively because there I was accepted.
I was happy, truly I was. AND YET...I chased the acceptance. I had crushes above my pay grade so to speak. I had a rich fantasy life, too, to which I escaped...you know the stuff that Disney puts into your brain at a young age...or "Pretty Woman" if you're older. The handsome prince that sees past the social whatever (bullshit) and falls in love with you.
You find your tribe and you do life. And your life is happy. And I wouldn't go back and change anything because that would change the trajectory of who I am now and where God wants me.
I am able to live in the same place I grew up. Because I do, I see many of the people I went to school with. Some acknowledge my existence, some do not. Some probably don't even know I went to high school with them. You see, I know them because I was on the outside wanting just to be acknowledged so of course I knew who they were because at one point, that is who I wanted to be myself...one of "them". And STILL there is this weird double standard...seeing you, acknowledging you is socially acceptable in some areas, but not out in public places. Really, REALLY?! As adults, swear to God...blows my mind.
Fast forward and it's time for our 30th high school reunion. I feel like I have "arrived". I am happy. Time hasn't marched over me too badly. And someone from high school put the nicest post on facebook about not being all about what people are making or doing but just being with each other. So for the first time, I decide I'm going to go.
I am married to a wonderful man. We've been married four years at this point. Can't imagine what he thought about this evening. We are getting ready to go. I drop my daughter off. We go to the bar. We walk in. AND NOT A SINGLE SOUL NOTICES MY EXISTENCE. One person, I swear...a one-time good friend, did not acknowledge me. So, my sweet husband and I sat on the other side of the bar/restaurant and had dinner. People walked by...nothing. It was semi-awful yet the biggest reawakening in my life. When John asked about it, I realized it was exactly what I needed to LET GO of chasing acceptance from people I don't even know.
I don't blame anyone and don't care. We weren't friends then, we aren't friends now and won't be...and it doesn't matter.
All that time, I was chasing the wrong acceptance. For the longest time, I kept hearing God tell me I needed to work on my pride. I couldn't even imagine what He could be talking about, so I ignored Him. So, don't you know He let me figure out what He was talking about?!! All the idols in my life that I had put before Him. I loved Him, yet I put a whole lot ahead of Him (like that feeling that I had "arrived"). I had pride in my charmed life...my kids, my marriage, my appearance, my circle of AWESOME friends at church (my church family!! my tribe). He hit every one of them, E.V.E.R.Y. O.N.E. of them. Love to share that story with anyone, but not necessary here. It was the worst-best or best-worst night of my life.
"My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God, my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood, His mercy rains. Unending love, amazing grace." I was chasing the wrong thing...like a dog chasing it's tail...an unending circle with really no outcome. But, now I walk in freedom. That race done...the victory is mine...though not mine alone...it is mine by grace through faith.
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